Trapped
by dishonoredscholar
Summary: I'm always trapped...


I have been trapped…

In a mirror for who knows how long. I lost count of the centuries that has passed. It doesn't matter, I got out and knowing the length of time I had spend in there might just send me spiraling down further into madness. Years of solitude, no way to get home and no one to talk to. I didn't have any friends. Everyone I knew was either dead because of this stupid war or back in Homeworld- where they're safe and sound, where they have other gems to talk to and interact with and where they can roam free and do whatever their heart desires. At that time, I didn't have the luxury of having any sort of social interaction. In fact, I had no idea what had been happening to Homeworld, the earth or the entire universe for that matter.

Locked in a dark void, no where to go, nothing to do and no one to talk to. For centuries, I have been alone with my thoughts. Even when the Crystal Gems found me I was unable to speak with them. They did not care at all so slowly but surely I started to harbor hatred towards these gems.

How could they have left me there? They have no right to keep me locked up. I never wanted to stay in earth, I didn't want to have anything to do with the war. I didn't care about the earth or who wins in the war. Things would have been better if the gems did not discover that awful planet in the first place! None of this would have happened. I just wanted to go home. Why didn't they let me go home? They chose instead to keep me locked up in that thing. I just wanted to leave... Did they even know that? Did they even know I was there?

That wouldn't matter. Not anymore! I got out. Steven helped me escape. Somehow, I figured out how to speak with him. He didn't know I was in there but he treated me as a friend. He listened to me, he defended me when the gems wanted to take the mirror away from him. He knew there was something wrong and he acted accordingly. He gave me freedom.

The Crystal Gems didn't want that. They would rather have me be trapped in that mirror for the rest of eternity. Did they perceive me as a threat to the little happy life they made in that worthless little planet? They should not worry, I don't care what they do or what ever happens to them. As long as I get out of here and he remains safe I would be happy. I didn't feel free for long though...

I found myself trapped…

In a planet, I couldn't care less about. I could see Homeworld. It felt so close, it felt so easy to reach but my gem was cracked- my powers are limited. I could not summon my water wings. I tried and I tried but it just wasn't possible, not in my condition. I could not fly back home. I had to find another way to get out here. It didn't take me long to realize that I can make use of the oceans in this planet, I still have my control over water. It will be easy, I had used my remaining powers before to defend myself against the Crystal Gems, I can use it to leave the earth. Freedom seemed to be within my reach, I'm leaving earth- I'm going home.

I made a tower out of the ocean. Maybe if I built it high enough I can return to Homeworld. My plan was far from fullproof but it just might work. I began building it immediately; the shores were drained and the seas were devoid of water. All that mattered little to me though. It got me much closer to home but it was not enough. Homeworld was closer than ever before. It's so close I can taste it but it was still out of my reach. There wasn't enough water. I got my hopes up for nothing. I'm close, I'm so close…

Then they came along, Steven and the rest of the Crystal Gems. This frustrated me to no end. I didn't want to harm him but I had no choice, they were in the way of my goal. I'm sorry Steven, please understand why I fought you. You were with them and you were trying to stop me. I knew at that time you didn't know any better. You didn't know I needed the ocean to return home. I wasn't going to keep it. It will be returned to the earth once I'm done with it.

I'm glad we talked, I'm glad you tried to understand my situation. You never wanted to fight me. You just wanted the ocean back. I understand, you need your water to survive. Humans need it to live, you need it to live. Thank you, Steven. Thank you for understanding and thank you for helping me get home. Thank you for doing what the Crystal Gems failed to do, failed to understand. If you had not fixed my gem I would have been trapped. I would have been stuck on earth.

As I took flight, I can already picture in my mind what it would be like to return back home. I was overwhelmed with joy. I could already tell that I will be much happier in Homeworld. Home was so close, so within my reach. I wondered how they would welcome me after so long. I hoped my friends still remember me. I hoped I can get back to the life I had left so many years ago. I treasured that opportunity, to return to my previous life, to live happy and free. I wish I realized earlier on how wrong I was.

I was suddenly trapped

In a world that's so familiar and foreign to me. The moment I reached Homeworld, I knew this was far from the place I used to live. Everything's so different. The gems, the culture, the technology- I could not recognize any of it. I knew it was Homeworld though, I knew this was my previous home. It has to be Homeworld! This has be to be my home, if it's not where will I go? Where will I live? Where do I belong? There were so many questions in my head...None of them nattered, despite my previous connection and the memories I had of the place, it felt I no longer belonged there and everyone treated as if I really don't belong. I guess I don't, not anymore…

I've just been gone for too long, I initially thought. I can get used to these changes, I can adjust- I just have to try. I couldn't fit it though, no matter what I did I just did not belong there anymore. None of this makes sense… Did I just went through all of that trouble to end up in a place more foreign to me than earth? How did it end up like this? Why did this happened? Did I- did I deserve this? Maybe I did… Why else would all of this happened to me. I'm a bad person, I'm a bad gem… I always thought of that so maybe I am… I probably deserve all of this. I'm at the mercy of this universe now.

They all knew I was different and they were all shocked to learn that I spent the past centuries locked up in a mirror on earth. Homeworld was alarmed by the gem activity that had been happening in earth. They thought they had absolute control but why earth? It's just a worthless little blue planet out in space. Nothing good ever came from it… nothing… Well, except maybe for him…

No! They must not return to earth, if they do. There's no telling what they'll do to the planet and if they messed with the planet, they'll mess with Steven and if they mess with Steven… T-they can't they must not… They need to leave the earth alone! They need to leave Steven alone… He's my only friend, he managed to saw the goodness in everyone- even me. Even after everything I did to his planet, even after attacking him and his friends, he still cared. If anything bad happens to him, I' don't know what I'll do… I don't know what I should do.

I agreed to go back to earth. Maybe if I went with them and prove that the Crystal Gems are not a threat I can get them to leave him alone… I can keep him safe, happy and satisfied in that tiny planet he calls home. Home… something I no longer have… something Steven might loose. No, I won't allow it. Even if I die trying I will make sure he doesn't suffer the same fate as I did. Steven, I promise you that as long as I'm around no harm will come to you. I will fight Homeworld for you. All you have to do is let me help you...

I chose to be trapped

Under the sea, where no one can find me, no one can find us- no one can find Malachite. It was the only way to make sure that Steven was safe from Jasper- safe from me. Again, I was alone. It's true that the brute, named Jasper was with me but she is not pleasant company, far from it really. She tried to harm Steven, she tried to take everything away from him and that in my eyes, is unforgivable. I will make sure she doesn't harm him. Heck, I'll make sure she doesn't go near him. I will make sure that she suffers- even if I have to suffer with her.

You're under my domain now, Jasper. You're under my control. You will pay for your transgressions, you will pay for harming him! I will no longer allow you to push me around and control me. I won't allow anyone to do that! I don't care if this damnable fusion lasts for an eternity. I will endure this hell and I will make sure that you stay with me here, underneath the earth's oceans where no one can ever find us. No human, no gem, not even Steven.

Steven… Some time ago, he showed up. They have been looking for us. They probably want to make sure that Malachite won't be a threat to this planet. I don't know how but he managed to talk to me. He appeared before me- not physically. It was distracting, I must not loose control- I had to keep us down. Steven should not find me, he shouldn't show up. Was he even there when I saw him? Has everything I've been through finally driven me to madness? Was it all an illusion- a hallucination? Have I finally lost the last ounce of sanity I have left?

No, he was there. I refuse to believe I imagined the whole thing. He's looking for me, he's concerned for my safety and well-being. Oh Steven, why must you be so caring? Why must you persist to help me? I do not need your help, not anymore nor can I allow you to help me. You've done so much, I'm already in your debt. Let me return the favor, let me help you, let me defend and protect you from what Homeworld intends to do to you. I can do it. Sometimes I-I struggle, sometimes I slip out of control but not for long. It's true that I'm tried, weary and exhausted after being Malachite for so long but please trust me. No harm will ever come to you. As long as I stay in control, everything will be fine. I will endure the pain, I will endure the eternal torture and suffering for you. Because you deserve this, you deserve a long and happy life on earth together with your friends and family and I deserve this. I'm not a good gem, Steven. I don't deserve your kindness but you gave it to me anyway…

I don't want you to worry, I don't want you to get hurt so don't look for me. In fact, it will be better i-if y-you forget me. That way, you'll never meet Malachite again and you can forget about the trauma you had to go through because of me- because of my desire to go home… That's why they came, right? They found out about you and the rest of the Crystal Gems because of me- because I was so desperate to return to Homeworld. I'm sorry, this is all my fault. Let me make it up to you.

Don't worry about me… It's true that I'm imprisoned in Malachite underneath this planet's waters but at the same time I'm free. For the first time in a long time, I'm acting out of my own accord- I'm in control of my life. I chose to be trapped here, I chose to protect you, so just let me do this for you!


End file.
